Why So Serious
by Novemberries
Summary: Commander Shepard's whims are the law. And if Joker was going to be mission ready, he would be. But he never suspected what was about to happen.


**Title**: Why So Serious  
**Author**: Novemberries  
**Characters**: Joker, Shepard, Garrus, EDI, the Normandy  
**Genre**: Humour  
**Word Count**: 2017  
**Raiting**: T (minor swear words)  
**Disclaimer**: No money is being made from this story.  
**Completed on**: 7NOV2019  
**Published on**: 7NOV2019  
**Chapter Last Revised on**: 7NOV2019

A/N Happy N7 Day!

* * *

The Normandy's console command flickered in the dim glow of the helm as Joker stared into the horizon of stars escaping with the speed of light. He sighed profusely.

"I detect a change in your breathing pattern, Jeff. It strongly suggests an irritation."

"No shit, EDI."

"Studies indicate that when faced with a situation that proves impossible to change the most efficient tactic is acceptance."

"I appreciate your vast knowledge, EDI, but please... Do shut up."

"If I can add, I have attempted an analysis on commander's Shepard vital signs and the results might suggest that-"

"EDI." A warning in Joker's voice.

The AI turned in her chair to Joker and spoke in her machine voice.

"We are approaching the Parnitha System."

Joker sighed again. Why would they rush to the Asari home world again was escaping his comprehension. But if Shepard had "an important business there", it would be so. He pushed the comm link of his console and chose the captain's cabin frequency.

"Commnder, we're approaching the Smurf homeworld."

Usually, at least an affirmative grunt would follow. He waited few more seconds and relied the same message to Shepard's personal comm, but not even dull static reached him. It was likely that she had cut herself off from any communication. She liked to do that sometimes.

"I detect Commander's life sings at the main battery."

"Of course, where else." Joker took off the headset and fixed his cap. "I'll go tell her."

Supporting himself on the armrest of his pimped captain's chair, he stood up, grabbed his crutch and limped to the CIC. Whatever you said about those Cerberus bastards, they could set up the aircraft nice and furnish it in the cutting edge technology. They had bought him with this fully adjustable, fat chair alone. His back was feeling the difference quite drastically. Not to mention how well they treated his Normandy. Well, how well they had revived her. So well and with so much engineering love that not even the Alliance technicians managed to spoil that.

"Hey, Joker, poker tonight?"

"With the mission the commander is cooking us it's a slim chance in donkey's ass, but we'll see."

Clancy saluted him.

"Can't wait to kick your sorry butt."

Joker nodded to him as he passed him by and pressed the elevator button. After a few seconds the door slid open soundlessly and a very hurried Miranda burst out from them. She almost ran Joker over and with clicks of her heels on the composite floor, she rushed to the communication room.

Joker sighed again.

He needed a break.

The elevator door opened soundlessly again on the upper level where crew's cantina was located, but Joker determinedly limped over to the main battery.

"Hey, Joker, do you have any cayenne pepper?" asked him Sergeant Gardner as he passed the tables.

"Mess Sergeant Gardner, do I look like I have cayenne pepper?" He stopped and raised one eyebrow.

"Don't try to fob me off." Gardner put his hands on his hips. „I saw you buying some on Omega last time we dropped there."

Joker's face was unmoved.

"That was red sand for the reactor core."

"Yeah, sure. You're lying."

"Am not." Joker was about to continue to the main battery, but he had to ask. "Why do you even need the cayenne pepper for?"

"To make the Boston wings, of course," replied the sergeant, stone-faced. "Why are you feeding the reactor core with the red sand? Does Commander know about this?"

"It was for Tali."

Joker was not in the mood for a playful banter, especially if it involved culinary ingredients he craved himself and especially if Sergeant Garnder casually mentioned the dish he was craving very badly. He knew how to survive on military rations. All of them knew. But you could cheat the body for only so long. He felt his mouth salivating just thinking of the crispy skin and how his teeth would sink into the tender flesh, the burning hot marinate contrasted with the mild, juicy flavour of the meat.

_Fuck it._

At long last, Joker pushed the button to request entry for the main battery. Immediately, the door opened and Garrus spoke before Joker even had a chance to open his mouth.

"Shepard went few moments ago to the Starboard Observation Deck."

The pilot rolled his eyes.

Bloody brilliant.

Doors to the main battery closed behind him as he again made his limping way to the mess hall and then turned sharply left. Before he reached the Observation Deck doors his irritation levels had skyrocketed.

Joker didn't bother to announce his arrival, he force-pushed the lock until the door opened. What greeted him was the back of the Commander, herself being busy apparently looking over the expanse of the sky.

"We are about to arrive at Thessia. Commander," Joker drawled, limping inside the Observation Deck and true indeed, the Normandy jumped out of hyperspace in that second.

Shepard as if only now realised he was there and turned to him.

"Joker. Excellent. Good job."

"Is that all, Commander?" He was ready to go back to his pilot's chair and have some semblance of peace again. Especially when he realised with a grunt that his search for Shepard had taken so long that Normandy had already managed to reach Thessia. They were in the straight approach to the capital's main docking bay. And it was apparently EDI who would be any moment overseeing the docking procedure. _Not that again._

"Yeah, that's all."

There was no chance in hell he would make it on time to the helm and he could only watch as the Normandy descended with a fluid motion to its parking place. Before he turned, Joker noticed a small vessel approaching them. It bore no insignia that he recognised, but before he could ask Shepard whether they were expecting someone upon arrival, a force of impact rocked the Normandy slightly. Immediately, EDI's voice spoke over Shepard's personal comm.

"Commander, we are being boarded."

"Copy that, EDI."

"What the fuck? Shepard, we are in Thessia. Who the hell is that vessel?" If Joker wanted to be in his chair before, now he really felt out of place. His area of expertise was piloting a ship, and his weapon of choice was his helm.

Shepard looked at him and opened a link to speak to the entire ship.

"This is Commander Shepard. We're under attack. I repeat, we're under attack. All crew members are to arm themselves and come to Crew's Quaters main area immediately."

As she finished the transmission, Joker expected Shepard to burst out of the Observation Deck, but she remained glued to the spot. He felt a chill creep up his spine.

"Shepard, what are you doing? The Normandy is under attack!"

"Stay put, Joker," she said, still not moving nor doing anything.

Joker limped to her and grabbing a chair for support he swung his crutch at Shepard.

"What the-" she blocked the hit and looked at him as if he was the crazy one. "Joker!"

If the Shepard before him was an impostor, he would do everything he could to stop her. He attacked her again.

"Joker, for Christ's sake!" Shepard kept blocking his hits and he was himself surprised that the bones in his wrist and arm hadn't fractured yet. "Stop this!"

"What was then the name of the bar we got drunk for the first time?" He ceased his hits to allow her an answer.

"What?" Shepard looked baffled. "It was right after we've met, how am I supposed to remember this?"

Another hit aimed at her temple. He congratulated himself on that one, as Shepard winced from the hit.

But then her face grew stormy.

"Jeff Moreau. Calm down right instant", she said icily.

"Answer me and prove you're not an impostor."

"Why the hell-what impostor?"

He took an aim again and knew after this blow some bones would be fractured.

"All right!" Shepard raised her arms in a white flag gesture and Joker put his crutch down. He waited and Shepard ran a hand through her short red hair. "Uhm, it was…" She looked to her right and up. "It was… The… The Abolisher?" She half said, half asked.

"Is this a question or an answer?"

"Joker, don't overdo it."

"… It's an answer."

"Commander." EDI's voice sounded through Shepard's comm.

"Go ahead, EDI."

"Everything is ready."

"Thanks." And then she smiled to Joker. "Now we can go."

"What?"

But she was already walking to the door and as they swished open, she turned to Joker. No battle cries sounded from the Quarter Deck area.

"C'mon."

Shepard was crazy. The nuttiest one. He humoured her and limped to where she stood, being forced to use the left hand for support as his right one was requiring some attention after all those hits.

He didn't speak a word to her and allowed himself to be escorted right up to the mess hall. And before they could reach the tables and the kitchen, a sweetest aroma had reached his nostrils.

"Shepard, do you smell-"

Before Joker could finish his question, they reached the mess hall and his unfinished question was answered.

"-pizza."

Other crew members were emerging from the quarters and from the lift as well, machine guns, grenades and pistols in their hands and all of them turned equally flabbergasted as him. Miranda had burst from her room with hair wild, M-6 Carnifex in one hand and report papers in the other one. Thane had assessed the situation, lowered his Acolyte and remained as stoic as he was moments ago. Everyone kept looking at Shepard, at the pizza on the table, and back to Shepard again.

"So, everyone," The Commander started. "Sorry for the false alarm." She scratched the back of her head, but then she straightened her shoulders and took on her commander's voice. "I know you were working really hard these days, and I know I wasn't sparing any of you. We've seen hell, abominations and tragedies, we lost our close ones and we had to lick our wounds with salt. And you are still standing here, with me, all of us being the best damn crew in the entire galaxy. So here it is, to you, to all of us. A treat from me." She smiled and gestured to at least three dozens of boxes with pizza.

With apprehension at first and then with all the enthusiasm, the crew members started to unbox their levo- and dextro-amino pizzas.

"Good choice, Shepard," Mordin chewed on his Sur'Kesh Salami slice.

"I don't know where from you've got this, Shepard, and I know this wild space cow chimichurri is so hellishly expensive, but I love you. It'll be worth getting sick after this." Tali lovingly packed the slices into a plastic container.

"I think we are missing someone," mused Shepard, looking over them.

As a confirmation of the Commander's words, a noise akin to a pack of savage varrens being let loose sounded from the main battery area and Garrus Vakarian jumped the steps down next to Shepard, the Widow in his hand.

"I forgot to unlock the main battery," explained EDI. "My apologies, Garrus."

The Turian looked ready to shred the AI to the tiniest razor blade pieces.

"Garrus!" Shepard smiled brightly. "Please do enjoy pizza. My treat."

The Turian said nothing and still sulking violently, he sat by the table and took the dextro-amino pizza nearest to him, wolfing down three slices at once.

"It's all fine, commander, but it's you who's paying for the rehabilitation." Joker sat down as well and aimed for salami and pulled pork box. He had his eyes on the farmer chilli next.

"Commander, is it the chicken?" asked Sergeant Gardner holding up a sealed metal container.

"Yeah. The cayenne pepper should be somewhere there as well."

Joker's eyes grew wide as saucers.

"It was a pleasure to help you deceive our crewmembers, Shepard." If EDI could smile a cat's smile, she would surely pull that off right now.

No matter. Boston wings were on their way.


End file.
